The Western girl, says the New York World, is in the third generation.
Her grandmother, or possible her mother, came from the East, or from what
was a few years ago the frontier West very far east of the real west now.
The Western girl was a wonder. She who does all things which Hercules would
have deemed impossible. She appears in the papers as having cut, split and
corded the cords of wood in the afternoon and then danced all night 'just
to rest herself.' or she has cradled a hundred acres of rye in less time
than it takes an Eastern woman to cradle her baby for an after-dinner nap.
Most wonderful of all is the Winter story told by an editor. it was leap
year and Mary came with a sleigh to take John to the ball ten miles away.
There was no thermometer in the village and John estimated the mercury to
be at 431o below zero. Nevertheless Mary drove on in a no-sleeve thin dress.
She 'wasn't a-goin to muss it with no wrapper,' and not a sign of a hat
or hood; she 'wouldn't muss her hair 'nohow.' It blew invisible but sharp
icicles straight from the North Pole. Mary drove on and sang songs. John
huddled down under the buffalo in the bottom of the sleigh and there froze
to death. This disaster was not discovered until Mary reached the tavern
where the ball was to be given. She carried the corpse into the bar-room,
and poured a quart of hot corn whiskey inside of the defunct journalist,
brought him to life, and the next day the grateful man married her. More
wonderful still, in the last great match she spelled down the editor, the
deacon, the postmaster, the schoolmaster, and the minister. Worthy women
of this strong sort are the mothers of such tough old knots as Ben Wade
and such funny knots as Proctor Knott. Of course they are of the best of
girls. The bad girl who appears in the streets of Chicago did not come from
Peoria to look for a place. She used to live in Lowell (Mass.), and worked
in Old Smith's great cotton mill till she fancied that she might keep soul
and body together for awhile on the wages of sin, while she was likely to
starve to death on the wages of Smith. But in the rural regions such emigrations
as this is rare. There the girls are farmers' daughters, grow up to be farmers'
wives or wives of Congressmen, Senators and probably Presidents. Even the
temperance raider upon the saloons is generally an importation, and the
disciples of Susan B. and other reformers are mostly ex-schoolmams from
the East, who have heard that the male population greatly preponderates,
and who therefore hope, out West, to get married. The Western girl who,
as a Western woman, becomes a belle in Washington in Winter and at Saratoga
in Summer, is a production of home birth, growth and breeding.
- The Montanian, Virginia City, Montana Territory, Feb 10, 1876
-------------------------
A Trifle Skeptical.
Minister - Well, Bobby, what did you learn at school today?
Bobby - I learned that the world is round, and turns on hinges like that
globe in the parlor.
Minister - Well, what did you think of that?
Bobby - I think they're asking me to believe a good deal for a small boy.
- New York Sun.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Dec 19, 1888.
-------------------------
Woman's Law. -- Mark Twain says when women frame laws the first thing they
do will be to enact:
1. That all men should be at home at 10 P. M., without fail.
2. That married men should bestow considerable attention upon their wives.
3. That it should be a hanging offense to sell whiskey in saloons, and that
fines and disenfranchisement should follow it in such places.
4. That the smoking of cigars to excess should be forbidden, and the smoking
of pipes be utterly abolished.
5. That the wife should have the title of her own property when she marries
a man that hadn't any.
"Such tyranny as this," says Mark, "we could never stand.
Our free souls could never endure such degrading thralldom. Women, go away!
Seek not to beguile us of our imperial privileges. Content yourselves with
your feminine trifles--your knitting--and let your bosses do the voting.
Stand back--you will be wanting to go to war next. We will let you teach
school as much as you want to, and pay you half price too; but beware! we
do don't want you to crowd us too much."
- Stockton (Cal.) Weekly Independent, August 5, 1871
-------------------------
The celebrated artist who crowed so naturally that the sun rose three hours
before its time has recently finished a picture of the moon that's painted
with such wonderful fidelity to nature that it can't be seen in the daytime.
- Harper's Weekly, Jan 9, 1875.
-------------------------
Some of those old saws have a great deal to answer for. For instance, if
somebody hadn't once said, "It is never too late to mend," probably
a good many people would not be postponing the process so long. - Shoe and
Leather Reporter.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Nov 28, 1888.
-------------------------
The following epitaph is upon a stombstone at Rheims: "Here lieth the
body of Etella. He transported his fortune to heaven, in charity, during
his life; he is gone there to enjoy it."
- Boston Daily Evening Transcript, June 25, 1836.
-------------------------
"Oh, ma," said Miss M'Stringer, rushing in to h er ma - "ma,
what a very twelve-dozen creature our washer-woman is!" "Indeed,
is she? And what's that, my dear?" quoth the admiring mamma. "Why,
don't you know that twelve dozen is a gross," replied the astonished
miss, "and gross is very coarse?" "Yes, of course. What a
lovely thing education is, my child!"
- Harper's Weekly, Jan 9, 1875.
-------------------------
Popping the question is like popping corn. The popped article wants to be
taken away from the fire immediately and salted while it is warm. - N. O.
Picayune.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Oct 10, 1888.
-------------------------
A Wise Fool.
A Court buffoon having offended his sovereign, the monarch sentenced him
to death. The culprit, in great terror, fell upon his knees, and cried for
mercy. "I will extend no other mercy to you," said the prince,
"except permitting you to choose what kind of death you will die. Decide
immediately, for I will be obeyed." "I adore your clemency,"
said the crafty jester; "I choose to die of old age."
- Saturday Courier, Philadelphia, Sept 30, 1843.
-------------------------
Something Good in Store.
A big man rushed at a little man at the ferry dock the other day and exclaimed:
"Ha! Now I've got you. I'm going to knock the top of your head off."
"Come on and try it," replied the little man as he got into position.
"You slandered me," shouted the big man as he backed off a little.
"What of it?"
"You've got to take it back or get licked! I'll give you - I'll give
you one week to take it back, and if you don't do it I'll - "
"What?" cried the little man as he advanced upon him.
"I'll perhaps extend the time, but you've got to take it back."
"Hold on - wait!" shouted the little man as he got his coat off,
but the big man waved his hand and run aboard the boat to call back:
"Two weeks and not another day! Then prepared to get mauled!"
- Detroit Free Press.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Dec 19, 1888.
-------------------------
SHARP PRACTICE. - They tell a good story of an old business man of this
city, who recenty found himself "cornered" financially, and desired
to go into bankruptcy. He applied to a lawyer to know how much it would
cost to have the papers made out and the business put through. He was told
that the expense would be about one hundred dollars, and, appearing to be
satisfied with the price, he told the lawyer to go ahead. The lawyer followed
the instructions, and when the work was done, called for his little one
hundred dollars. "All right," said the bankrupt, "you can
put your claim in with the others!" - Springfield Union.
- Weekly Mountaineer, The Dalles, Ore., Jan 6, 1877.
-------------------------
A Saratoga belle, who six months ago was so languid that she could scarcely
support herself at the altar, now throws a flat-iron fifty-five feet, and
hits her husband every time.
- Bedrock Democrat, Baker City, Ore., Apr 29, 1874.
-------------------------
A judge threathened to fine a lawyer for contempt of court. "I have
expressed no contempt for the court," said the lawyer; "on the
contrary, I have carefully concealed my feelings."
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Oct 10, 1888.
-------------------------
[At the time of this story it was the custom to go calling on your friends
on certain holidays. If for some reason the person didn't want any visitors
that day they left a basket on the porch. The visitor supposedly got the
message, left their calling card in the basket, and moved on. - JL]
A young man who found several eligible houses with baskets hung out on New
Year's Day took a fearful revenge. He had a visiting card neatly engraved
with a coronet and "M. C. Comte de Millefleurs, Paris," and whenever
he came to a basket he would enclose his card and the Count's in an envelope,
drop it in, and pass serenely on. He had his revenge, for whenever he meets
one of the girls of those families she says to him: "Oh, Mr. Lopkins,
ma and all of us were so sorry that you didn't call on New Year's Day."
"But the Count and I called and found a basket out, and so we just
left our cards." "O, Mr. Lopkins, you know, surely, that we have
to put out a basket because there are so many people call that we don't
care to see; but you are different. We are always at home to you; you should
have some right in. And has the Count left town?" "O, yes; he
only spent New Year's Day here; he's gone to the plains to shoot buffalo.
I"m sorry he didn't see you, because I told him I wanted him to see
one of our real Chicago belles, but it was my stupidity." Then she
goes off with the iron in her soul, and he says to himself: "I guess
they won't hang out their blamed old market-basket another time."
- The Montanian, Virginia City, Montana Terr., Feb 3, 1876
-------------------------
"Sir," said the judge, "I commit you to jail for ten days
for contempt of court." "Better make it ten years, Judge,"
was the response. "I couldn't begin to get over my contempt in less
than that." - N. Y. Sun.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Oct 10, 1888.
-------------------------
EXPECTED A SPRING FRESHET.
In the "upper end" of Pike County, Pennsylvania, there is a man
who is so noted for his conversational abilities, says a writer in the Boston
Herald, that his acquaintances avoid giving him unnecessary opportunities
to talk.
One cold morning this man rode up to a hotel in the neighborhood just as
the guests were finishing breakfast. He dismounted, walked in, saluted the
landlord in his usual loud tones, and declared that he was so cold that
he could hardly talk.
Just then a nervous traveller who was present stepped up to the landlord,
and taking him by the coat, said:
"Mr. L., have my horse brought as soon as possible."
"What is the matter, my dear sir?" inquired the anxious landlord.
"Has anything happened?"
"Nothing, nothing! Only I want to get away from here before that man
thaws."
- The Youth's Companion, Boston, Sept 14, 1911
-------------------------
When a lawyer asks a witness if he is sure he is telling the truth he confidently
expects the man to promptly reply: "No, Sir; I am committing perjury."
If he did not expect it he would not ask such a silly question. - Detroit
Free Press.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Oct 10, 1888.
-------------------------
What is it that Adam never saw, never possessed, and yet gave to each of
his children? Parents.
- The Daily Town Talk, San Francisco, Aug 14, 1856.
-------------------------
The unintelligibility of a brakeman's call when announcing a station is
proverbial. The other day however one called Yuma plainly enough. There
was a sheriff on the train with some prisoners for the penitentiary, and
upon announcing the arrival the brakeman shouted: "Yuma! Change Clothes;
ten years for refreshments!"
- The Daily Arizona Miner, Prescott, May 20, 1884.
-------------------------
"I sympathize sincerely with your grief," said a French lady to
a recently widowed friend. "To lose such a husband as yours-."
"Ah, yes, he was very good. And then, you see, such a misfortune is
always great, for one knows what kind of a husband one has lost, but cannot
tell what kind of a man one will find to succeed him."
- Weekly Mountaineer, The Dalles, Ore., Jan 6, 1877.
-------------------------
"Ma, go down on your hands and knees a minute, please." "What
on earth shall I do that for, pet?" "'Cause I want to draw an
elephant."
- Weekly Mountaineer, The Dalles, Ore., Jan 6, 1877.
-------------------------
Take her up tenderly;
Lift her with care;
She'll come to pieces if
Raised by the hair.
- The Weekly Intelligencer, Seattle, Wash. Terr., Aug 30, 1879.
-------------------------
Lightning recently struck a telegraph pole and ran along the wire into the
office at Coatesville, Indiana, when the operator seated at the instrument
excitedly telegraphed back, "Don't send so d--d fast."
- Weekly Oregon Statesman, Portland, Aug 19, 1873.
-------------------------
A gentleman, in Lewiston, Me., says the other day a girl called at his door,
and asked if his family "wanted house help?" He replied that they
did.
Do you have small children?" she asked.
"No."
"Do you have your washing done out of the house?"
"No."
"Will my room be carpeted?"
"Yes."
After going on awhile in this manner, the gentleman turned the tide, and
said he would like to ask her a few questions:
"Can you play the piano?" he began.
"Oh, no."
"Can you speak French?"
"No."
"Can you sing the opera?"
"No."
"Can you dance the Lancers?"
"No."
"Well, then," he concluded, "if you can't do any of these,
you won't suit."
And off went the astonished maiden, smelling mice.
- Frank Leslie's Illustrated Newspaper, Dec 16, 1865.
-------------------------
It is mournful to see a man more'n full. - Whitehall Times
- New North-West, Deer Lodge, Montana Terr., Nov 1, 1878.
[Think about it - JL]
-------------------------
People are wrong who think that women generally object to telling their
age. Most women are always willing to tell their age whenever they are asked.
The trouble is that they do not tell the truth about it. - Somerville Journal.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Oct 10, 1888.
-------------------------
It is pleasant to be able to get down to work again with a pair of socks
and a standing collar on. - Norwich Bulletin. Good gracious, man! Please
don't tell us what your costume was during the hot weather if that's all
you wear now. - Philadelphia Bulletin.
- The Daily People's Cause, Red Bluff, Calif., Aug 15, 1878.
-------------------------
A conductor on the Chicago and Alton railroad is reported as having forbidden
honeymoon "billing and cooing." Observing a bridegroom's arm out
of place he forbade further demonstrations.
"But I have a right to hug her," said John.
"Not on a railroad," said the conductor, "there is a law
against all unjust discriminations on railroads, and as I haven't a woman
for each man on the train to hug, your action is in violation of the law
and must be stopped."
- Bedrock Democrat, Baker City, Ore., Mar 11, 1874.
-------------------------
After dinner one day, at a Liverpool table d'ote, a young man was relating
how he had miraculously escaped from a fearful shipwreck. "Yes,"
said he, "fifteen of my friend were on board. The vessel went down,
and they were all lost." "But how," asked a listener, whose
interest was painfully excited, "did you manage to escape?" "Oh,"
was the calm reply, "I was on board another vessel."
- Harper's Weekly, Jan 2, 1875.
-------------------------
Presence of mind is a great thing. A Floyd avenue man, whose wife was attacked
by a cross dog, promptly crawled under the steps of a cooper's shop, and
did not get hurt at all. - Sentinel.
- New North-West, Deer Lodge, Montana Terr., Oct 27, 1876.
-------------------------
EARLY RISING.
"He who will thrive must rise at five." So says the proverb, thought
there is more rhyme than reason in it; for if
He who would thrive must rise at five, it must follow, a fortiori,
He who'd thrive more must rise at four;
and it will insure a fortissimo that
He who'd still more thriving be
Must leave his bed at turn of three;
And who this latter would undo
Will rouse him at the stroke of two;
and, by way of climax to the whole, it should hold good that
Who would never be outdone
Must ever rise as soon as one.
But the best illustration would be thus:
He who'd flourish best of all
Should never go to bed at all.
- Harper's Weekly, Jan 16, 1875.
-------------------------
A German prince, when introduced to an Englishman, by way of appropriately
commencing the conversation, observed -
"It is bad weather to-day."
The Englishman shrugged up his shoulders and replied:
"Yes - but it is better than none."
- Stockton (Cal.) Daily Independent, Oct 31, 1861.
-------------------------
Young Mrs. Snapley (to Snapley, who is walking the floor with the baby at
one a. m.) - "Walking is healthy exercise, my dear." Snapley -
"I know it; but there is such a thing as being too confoundedly healthy
to appreciate the other blessings of life." - Burlington Free Press.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Oct 10, 1888.
-------------------------
People who suppose they can learn a girl's disposition in a ball-room, are
green. The devil is good natured when he is pleased.
- The Daily Town Talk, San Francisco, Aug 14, 1856.
-------------------------
Brooklyn Argus: It may be accepted as a maxim, that, to a man of an aesthetic
nature, no woman ever looks lovely while in the act of flattening her nose
against the window of a horse car in order to catch a glimpse of a dog fight.
- The New North-West, Deer Lodge, Montana Terr., Oct 27, 1876.
-------------------------
A notion seller was offering a Yankee clock, finely varnished and colored,
and with a looking-glass in front, to a certain lady not remarkable for
personal Beauty. "Why, it is beautiful," said the vendor. "Beautiful,
indeed! A look at it almost frightens me," said the lady. "Then,
marm," replied Jonathan, "I guess you'd better take one that ain't
got no looking-glass."
- Newark (N. J.) Daily Advertiser, Feb 28, 1853
-------------------------
Customer (to restaurant proprietor) - "That coffee I just had wasn't
as good as my mother used to make, by a long shot." Proprietor - "It's
the best we can do, sir, at five cents a cup. I suppose your mother got
ten for hers." - Epoch.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Oct 10, 1888.
-------------------------
At a fashionable church in New York the contribution plates are carried
round by young ladies, to the great benefit of the treasury.
- Bedrock Democrat, Baker City, Ore., Mar 18, 1874.
-------------------------
"Who's Your Father?"
A inquisitive country gentlemen once accosted a boy, who was feeding pigs,
thus-
"Boy, whose pigs are those?"
"The sow's, sir!" replied the boy.
"Well, then, whose sow is it?"
"Father's."
"Well, well - who is your father?"
"If you will mind the pigs, I will run home and ask my mother."
- Saturday Courier, Phila., Jan 2, 1847.
-------------------------
A young lady of a neighboring town awoke from a terrible dream one night
last week. She had dreamed that a young man with a soft beard was pressing
his face against hers. When she awoke she found it was only a cat. Then
wasn't she mad?
- The Daily People's Cause, Red Bluff, Calif., Aug 17, 1878.
-------------------------
Here is a good business-like epitaph: "Here lies Jane Smith, wife of
Thomas Smith, marble-cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as
a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of the same
style, $250."
- Bedrock Democrat, Baker City, Ore., May 6, 1874.
-------------------------
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