The Humor of our Forefathers - Part 1
- His Peace Destroyed -
A married man in words unkind
And with much emphasis avers,
His wife destroys his peace of mind
By giving him a piece of hers.
- Merchant Traveler.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., May 18, 1887.
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May is considered an unfortunate marrying month. A country editor says that
a girl was asked recently to unite herself in the silken tie to a brisk
chap, who named May in his proposals. The lady tenderly hinted that May
was an unlucky month. "Well, make it June, then," honestly replied
the swain, anxious to accommodate. The damsel paused a moment, hesitated,
cast down her eyes, and with a blush said, "Would not April do as well?"
-Daily Evening Transcript, Boston, May 28, 1853.
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There were two soldiers lying beneath the blankets, looking up at the stars
in a Virginia sky: Says Jack: "What made you go into the army, Tom?"
"Well," replied Tom, "I had no wife and loved war. What made
you go to the war, Jack?" "Well," he replied, "I had
a wife and loved peace, so I went."
- Santa Clara (Calif.) Journal, Aug 19, 1882.
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There is nothing so tends to shorten the lives of old people, and to injure
health, as the practice of sitting up late, especially winter evenings.
This is especially the case when there is a grown up daughter in the family.
We publish this item at the earnest request of several young men.
- Amador Weekly Ledger, Jackson, Calif., May 2, 1874.
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"Will your Honor please charge the jury?" asked an Arkansas lawyer
at the conclusion of a horse-thief trail. "I will," said His Honor.
"The Court charges each juryman one dollar for drinks, and six dollars
extra for the one who used the Court's hat for a spittoon the first day
of the session."
- The Montanian, Virginia City, Montana Territory, March 2, 1876
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Husband (who has advertised for a typewriter expert) - "Did many call
to-day, my dear, in answer to the advertisement?" Wife - "Yes,
quite a number; but there was only one applicant whom I told to call again.
He seems bright, and I'm sure you will like him." Husband- "What
was the trouble with the rest?" Wife - "They were all young women."
- N. Y. Sun.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Jan 9, 1889.
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Nothing in the Way - "Gram'ma, do you know why I can see up in the
sky so far?" asked Charlie. "No, my dear; why is it?" said
grandma. "Because there is nothing in the way," replied the young
philosopher.
- Oregon City Enterprise, Aug 27, 1875.
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Man--"Do you think it is safe for me to cross this pasture?" Maid--"Well,
the old bull don't like red very much, but if you chalk your nose I guess
he won't attack you."
- The Montanian, Virginia City, Montana Territory, March 2, 1876
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A PARADOX. - "Waiter," said a young fellow, going into a coffee-house
one rainy day, "I hope you have got a good fire, for I am confoundedly
wet, and let me have something to drink directly, for I am confoundedly
dry also."
- American Traveller, Boston, Apr 7, 1837.
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A new Orleans Judge, riding in the cars recently, from a single glance at
the countenance of a lady by his side, imagined he knew her, and ventured
to remark that the day was pleasant. She only answered: "Yes."
"Why do you wear a veil?" "Lest I attract gentlemen."
"It is the province of gentlemen to admire," replied the gallant
man of law. "Not when they are married." "But I am not."
"Indeed!" "Oh, no, I'm a bachelor." The lady quietly
removed her veil, disclosing to the astonished magistrate the face of his
mother-in-law. He has been a raving maniac ever since.
- Daily Morning Oregonian, Portland, Jan 5, 1875.
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A five-year-old Trojan, who had fallen and cut his lip so that it was necessary
for the doctor to stitch the wound, after bearing the pain bravely, turned
to his mother, who was making much ado over the operation, and said: "Never
mind, mamma, my mustache will cover it."- Troy Times.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Sept 1, 1886.
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"Do you think," asked Mrs. Pepper, "that a little temper
is a bad thing in a woman?"
"Certainly not, ma'am," replied the gallant philosopher; "it
is a good thing, and she ought never to lose it."
- Woman's Exponent, Salt Lake City, Utah Territory, Nov 1, 1872.
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They have begun to post circus bills on the gravestones out in the wilds
of the West. Should the custom become general, and reach out its arms to
embrace the civilized world, it will find men, if death has not changed
their disposition, mean enough to get up and demand a complimentary ticket
for the privilege. - Fulton Times.
- The Union Democrat, Sonora, Calif., Apr 6, 1878.
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In the old time a Connecticut pastor declined an addition of $100 to his
salary for the reason, among others, that the hardest part of his labor
heretofore had been the collection of his salary, and it would kill him
to try to collect a hundred more.
- Daily National Gazette, Nevada City, Calif., June 21, 1870.
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Slightly Altered. - While a man was guzzling drink a little ragged girl
entered and sought him out, and instead of requesting him to come home,
dear father, as poor brother Benny was dead and the house was all dark,
she whispered:
"Now, old man, you'd better be dustin' out o' here. Mam's coming around
the corner with a club in her hand and both eyes shooting fire!"
- Oregon City Enterprise, June 11, 1875.
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When a man detects a missing button after getting on a clean shirt, no one
in the house is aware of the fact. He takes off the shirt and puts on another,
quietly smiling all the while.--He never--never speaks of it to a soul.
- The Montanian, Virginia City, Montana Territory, March 2, 1876
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Lovers do the cooing before marriage, and tradesmen do the billing after
it.
- Daily Morning Oregonian, Portland, Jan 29, 1875.
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A Permanent Fence.
Little Dick had been listening to the recitation in geography of an older
brother. "I know what an island is," said he to mamma.
"Well, what is it?" asked mamma.
'It's a little piece of land all fenced round with water," proudly
answered Dick. - Youth's Companion.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Jan 2, 1889.
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"Have you got a little Indian there?" said the engineer, as we
passed a young squaw with a papoose, standing at a depot on the Pacific
Railroad. "No," said she; "half Injun half Injuneer!"
- Amador Weekly Ledger, Jackson, Calif., Aug 29, 1874.
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A Big Story. - A Kentuckian becoming incensed at the boastfulness of an
Englishman as to the superiority of British inventions, exclaimed, "Pshaw!
They are of no account. Why, a house painter in my neighborhood grained
a door so exactly in imitation of oak, that last year it put forth leaves,
and grew an excellent crop of acorns; and another fellow up in Iowa has
just taught ducks to swim in hot water, and with such success that they
lay boiled eggs!" The Englishman from that time forth exhibited a modest
and subdued air.
- Oregon Sentinel, Jacksonville, Nov 22, 1876.
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When a boy falls and peels the skin off his nose, the first thing he does
is to get up and yell. When a girl tumbles and hurts herself badly the first
thing she does is to get up and look at her dress.
- Oregon City Enterprise, July 30, 1875.
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It is told of a Connecticut woman who recently climbed Mount Blanc with
a party of Americans that while the rest were viewing in awe-struck silence
the glorious view spread out beneath them, she suddenly exclaimed, "Oh,
ain't I high!"
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Dec 26, 1888.
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An Illinois lover closed a letter to his lady sentimentally as follows;
"My best loved one, I chawed the postage stamp on your last letter
all to thunder, because I knew you licked it on."
- Woman's Exponent, Salt Lake City, Utah Territory, Nov 1, 1872.
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Joke on a Husband. - The Bedford (Indiana) Independent says that one of
the merry wives of that place played a practical joke on her husband, by
having their babe, a sweet little infant of six months, done up in a basket
and left on the front door step, with a note informing him that he was the
father of the child and must support it. The indignant husband swore roundly
that it was not his, but saw the joke finally when he found the cradle empty.
- Sacramento Daily Union, Oct 30, 1865.
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Change for Market. "My dear, what shall we have for dinner today?"
"One of your smiles," replied the husband; "I can dine on
that any day." "But I can't," said the wife. "Then take
this," and he gave her a kiss and departed. He returned to dinner.
"This is an excellent steak," said he, "what did you pay
for it?" "Why, what you gave me this morning," said the wife.
"The deuce you did!" said he, "then you shall have money
the next time you go to market."
- Daily Evening Transcript, Boston, May 25, 1852.
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Lord Norbury once rode in the coach of his friend Purcell, and chancing
to pass a gallows, asked, "Where would you be if every man had his
due?" "Alone in my carriage," was the reply.
- Santa Clara (Calif.) Journal, Aug 19, 1882.
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The man who invents a successful type-setting machine will amass untold
riches. but it will be an insignificant sum in comparison to the wealth
that will accrue to that individual who discovers a method by which a baby
may be made to consume its own cry.
- Daily Morning Oregonian, Portland, Jan 5, 1875.
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Is cremation in this present world of ours to be continued in our next?
- The Union Democrat, Sonora, Calif., Apr 6, 1878.
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Railway official-You'd better not smoke, sir.
Traveler-That's what my friends say.
Railway official-But you musn't smoke, sir.
Traveler-So my doctor tells me.
Railway official-(indignantly)-But you shan't smoke, sir!
Traveler-Ah! just what my wife says.
- Semi-Weekly Telegraph, Great Salt Lake City, Utah Territory, Oct 18, 1866.
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In the eastern part of Delaware County, in New York, there resides a man
named B---, now a justice of the peace, and a very sensible man, but, by
common consent, the ugliest-looking individual in the whole county; being
long, gaunt, sallow and awry, with a gait like a kangaroo. One day, he was
out hunting, and on one of the mountain roads, he met a man on foot and
alone, who was longer, gaunter, uglier, by all odds, than himself. He could
give the "Square" "fifty, and beat him." Without saying
a word, B--- raised his gun, and deliberately leveled it at the stranger.
"For God's sake, don't shoot!" shouted the man, in great alarm.
"Stranger," replied, B---, "I swore ten years ago, that if
ever I met a man uglier than I was, I'd shoot him; and you are the first
one I've seen." The stranger, after taking a careful survey of his
"rival," replied, "Well, captain, if I look any worse than
you do, shute! I don't want to live no longer." [Knickerbocker.
- Daily Evening Transcript, Boston, May 13, 1852.
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I've run a piece of wood under my finger nail," said an old married
man to his wife. "Ah," she sneered, "you must have been scratching
your head."- N. Y. World.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Sept 1, 1886.
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Smart Child. - The other day a New York lady went to pay her respects to
one of the late arrivals on the list of babyhood, when the following colloquy
took place between her and the little four-year-old sister of the new-comer:
"I have come for that baby now," said the lady. "You can't
have it," was the reply. "But I must, I came over on purpose,"
urged the visitor. "We can't spare it at all," persisted the child,
"but I'll get a piece of paper and you can cut out a pattern."
- Oregon City Enterprise, June 18, 1875.
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Some men have tact. Said the bride-groom who didn't wish to either offend
his bride or die of internal disturbance: "My dear, this bread looks
delicious, but it is the first you have ever made. I cannot think of eating
it, but will preserve it to show to our children in after years as a sample
of their mother's skill and deftness."
- The Modoc Independent, Alturas, Calif., Jan 15, 1885.
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If small girls are waifs, are large ones waifers? "Certainly,"
says sweet sixteen; "at least the boys have the habit of applying them
to their lips in sealing their vows."
- Bedrock Democrat, Baker City, Ore., Jan 10, 1872.
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A clergyman who is fond of dogs bought a couple of pups of rare breed while
on a visit to London, and left them with a dog-fancier to train. On returning
home one day, he found his wife, abetted by her mother, about to quit his
house and apply for a divorce, on the basis of the following telegram from
the dog-fancier, which had come for him a few hours before: "The little
darlings are doing well and looking lovely. Send money for their board."
- Santa Clara (Calif.) Journal, Aug 19, 1882.
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When a man detects a missing button after getting on a clean shirt, no one
in the house is aware of the fact. He takes off the shirt and puts on another,
quietly smiling all the while.--He never--never speaks of it to a soul.
- The Montanian, Virginia City, Montana Territory, March 2, 1876
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Some citizens of Sandusky, Ohio, were a few nights ago attracted to an old
out-building, by cries from within of "Murder! murder!p;-come quickp;-he's
eating me up!" and on entering, found lying there a loafer who had
gone to sleep drunk, and two young twin calves sucking his ears!
-National Intelligencer, Washington, D. C., May 24, 1842
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The shrewdest yet: A applied to B for the loan of $100. B replied: "My
dear A, nothing would please me better than to oblige you, and I'll do it.
I haven't a hundred dollars by me, but you make a note and I'll endorse
it, and you can get the money from the bank." Grateful A proceeded
to write a note. 'Stay,' said B, 'make it $200, I want $100 myself.' A did
so B endorsed the paper, the bank discounted it, and the money was divided.
When the note was due B was in California, and A had to meet the payment.
What he is unable to cipher out is whether he borrowed one hundred dollars
of A or A borrowed $100 of him.--
[Lowell Courier.
- The Montanian, Virginia City, Montana, March 2, 1876
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Kissing. A lady of experience gives advice on kissing to a younger lady
friend, as follows: "Be frugal in your bestowals of such favors. In
the first place I would cut off all uncles, cousins, and brothers-in-law;
let them kiss their own wives and daughters; and I would not kiss the minister,
or the doctor, or the lawyer who gets you a divorce." You see this
lady understands her business, and does not leave out the editor; he of
all others needs these osculatory attentions to "lighten up the gloom;"
she's a jolly, sensible woman, with a heart in the right place.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Dec 14, 1881.
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A Down Easter believes there is nothing like advertising. He lost his pocket-book
recently, advertised his loss in the local newspaper, and next morning went
down into his own cellar and found it lying on the floor.
- Amador Weekly Ledger, Jackson, Calif., May 23, 1874.
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A Minnesota man makes the winter seem short by giving his note payable in
the spring.
- Daily Morning Oregonian, Portland, Jan 29, 1875.
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The motto of the "Silver Standard", published at Silver Plume,
Col., is as follows: "Trying to do business without advertising, is
like winking at a pretty girl in the dark. You may know what you are doing,
but nobody else does."
- The Plaindealer, Roseburg, Ore., Jan 15, 1886.
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A little girl walking in the cemetery of Pere-la-Chaise, at Paris, and reading
one after another the praises upon the tombs of those who slept beneath,
suddenly exclaimed-"I wonder where they bury all the sinners!"
- The Odd Fellow, Boston, Sept 1, 1847.
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Strange that man should have been given two ears and but one tongue, when,
as every body knows, he would rather talk all day than listen five minutes.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., June 8, 1887.
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People who wonder why men's hair turns gray before their whiskers should
reflect that there is about twenty years difference in their respective
ages.
- Santa Clara (Calif.) Journal, June 19, 1880.
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After the officials of a town had vainly endeavored to disperse a mob, a
minister mounted a box and made the simple announcement:
"A collection will now be taken up."
The result can be easily guessed.
-The Modoc Independent, Alturas, Calif., Jan 22, 1885.
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"See, momma!" exclaimed a little girl as she looked out of the
window during a snow storm - "see the popped rain coming down."
- The Plaindealer, Roseburg, Ore., Jan 15, 1886.
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It was so hot here one day last month that we had to take in the thermometers
to prevent them from melting.
At that it is not as bad as Texas. We recall that we saw a cart laden with
popcorn and drawn by a weary-looking mule, ambling along over a hot street
in San Antonio. The heat was so intense that the corn began to pop, and
it dropped all over around the mule, who thought it was snowing, and froze
to death!
- The Squawk (publication of the 635 th Aero Squadron), Richmond, Va., July
25, 1918.
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A man, commenting upon the ruins of Pompeii, said that it was a very imposing
city, but very much out of repair.
- The Oakland Daily News, July 18, 1871.
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John Randolph met a personal enemy in the street one day, who refused to
give him half the sidewalk, saying that he never turned out for a rascal.
"I do," said Randolph, stepping aside and politely raising his
hat. "Pass on."
- Russian River Flag, Healdsburg, Calif., June 4, 1874.
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They were at the wedding breakfast, when the groom said to the little girl:
"You have a new brother now, you know." "Yeth," responded
the little one. "Ma seth it wath Lottie's lasth chance, so she'd better
take it." The rest of the little one's talk was drowned in a clatter
of knives and forks. - N. Y. Herald.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Sept 1, 1886.
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"Anna, dear, if I should attempt to spell Cupid why should I not get
beyond the first syllable?" Anna give it up, whereupon William said,
"Because when I come to c u, I cannot go further." Anna thought
that was the nicest conundrum she had ever heard.
- The Union Democrat, Sonora, Calif., May 18, 1878.
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Very Hard To Please. - The San Antonio Herald has the following:
There is a gentleman in this city who has acquired the habit of going to
a fruit stand, and after pricing the melons, etc., and eating up about five
cents worth of peanuts, objects to the price and does not buy.
Yesterday the fruit man made up his mind to sell him something, anyhow.
"How much are these melons?" inquired the peanut fiend.
"Five cents apiece."
"Can I pick any melon?"
"Take the biggest one you can find."
"Let me plug 'em to find a ripe one."
"Here's a knife; split them wide open."
"Don't you throw in a banana?"
"Always."
"Whew! If I had any way to get the melon home I believe I'd invest."
"Just say the word, and I'll send you both home in a hack, and give
you ninety days to pay for the melon."
"Melons are going to be cheaper after a while, but if the chromo suits
I'll take the melon. No colic [?] in it is there? Let me see the chromo."
"What chromo?"
"Why you ought to be able to throw in a chromo, if you mean business.
I always get a chromo for a cash transaction like that. Sorry can't trade."
And he picked up a handful of peanuts and sauntered out.
- Oregon Sentinel, Jacksonville, Aug 30, 1876.
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And now the head of the family, returning from his "club" through
the sharp midnight air, gently rolls his sleeping spouse over to the cold
side of the bed and sinks softly into the vacated spot with a sigh of thankfulness.
- Daily Morning Oregonian, Portland, Jan 5, 1875.
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A well-known Bostonian was trying a horse one day in company with the owner,
a professional jockey. Having driven him a mile or two, the gentleman, who
noticed that he pulled pretty hard, requiring constant watching and a steady
rein, said: "Do you think that is just the horse for a lady to drive?"
"Well, sir," answered the jockey, "I must say I shouldn't
want to marry the woman that could drive that horse." - N. Y. Ledger.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Sept 1, 1886.
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Why are the girls in Missouri always sweet? Because they are Mo. lasses.
- Willamette Farmer, Salem, Ore., July 27, 1877.
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Father (to family physician) - "Isn't George Sampson a relative of
yours, doctor?" Family Physician - "Yes, he is a nephew."
Father - "He wants my daughter Clara, but I gave him to understand
that she wouldn't get any of my money until my death." Family Physician
- "That was right. George was asking about your health to-day."
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., June 8, 1887.
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"What would you do if mamma should die?" she pathetically asked
of her little three-year-old daughter. "I don't know," remarked
the infant, with downcast eyes and melancholy face, "thpose I should
have to thpank mythelf."
- The Silver State, Winnemucca, Nev., Apr 3, 1877.
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An Old Story. - A French anecdote, recently unearthed, matches some of the
stories told by jokers of our own day: "Sometime since a certain woman
had so great a pain in her tooth that she ran thorough the street like one
mad. One day, seeing that the pain did not abate, she went to the village
surgeon to have it out: but with all his pains he could not unroot it, whereupon
the woman drew herself from his hands, crying and raving with the pain she
felt. Now, returning to her house, she met an archer with his crossbow on
his shoulder, who, having inquired into her distress, declared he would
help her out of it without pain. The poor woman who cared not, so the tooth
were out, let him do as he list. Whereupon he tied the tooth with a strong
bow-string, and wherewith he strung his bow, and let fly. Thinking that
the tooth would follow the arrow, but the tooth was firmly rooted, and the
woman weighed but a trifle, so that she was carried away with the shaft,
and dropped into a pond half a league from the spot, and was rescued hence
by two fishermen!"
- Amador Weekly Ledger, Jackson, Calif., Aug 15, 1874.
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It Frightened Her.
Old Man (reading report of the baseball game)-They got into Clarkson early
in the game and pounded him all over the field. He succeeded in striking
out two men, after a hot grounder had gone right through Burns, and a man
had been given life on first, and then the visitors wielded the willow in
earnest and knocked the unfortunate twirler clean out of the box.
Old Lady-Don't read any more of that fight, please, Josiah. It's too dreadful.
Dear me! Where could the constable have been? And they call this a Christian
country. - Chicago Tribune.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., July 27, 1887.
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"Ann," observed a Danbury house-keeper to the hired girl the other
morning, "as we have entered upon the dawn of another century of our
nation's history, I guess you had better get a tooth brush of your own."
- Oregon Sentinel, Jacksonville, Oct 11, 1876.
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An Old Maid Badly Foiled. - A Phoenixville maid, quite old, becoming anxious
about her matrimonial chances, recently concocted a plan to deceive a young
fellow as to age. This was the way she tried it: The old family Bible contained
a faithful record of all births, marriages and deaths. Ths volume the maiden
took to her chamber, and selecting the birth-page, she managed by dint of
scratching and writing to change the date of her birth to a period eleven
years later than when it had legitimately had been recorded. Then the Bible
was placed on the sitting-table in a conspicuous manner. That evening along
came the lover. He soon began to finger with the Bible pages, and finally
reached the birth record, where and when he discovered, to his surprise,
that his Angelina was just one year younger than himself. He thought it
strange, as she appeared older. He kept his mouth shut, and continued to
fumble over the pages. Next he began reading the death list, and made the
astonishing discovery that the radiant maiden, acording to the Bible, had
actually been born ten years after the decease of her father. The young
man quietly arose and bid Angelina good-bye, and now swears that "eternal
vigilance is indeed the price of liberty." - Pottsville Miner's Journal.
- Daily British Colonist, Victoria, B. C., Sept 29, 1874.
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In an old English primer the whole edition was printed with the omission
of the letter c at the beginning of the last word in the third line, as
follows:
"When the last trumpet soundeth
We shall not all die;
But we shall all be hanged
In the twinkling of an eye."
- Sacramento Daily Union, Aug 31, 1871.
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That wasn't a bad idea of Sam Slicks, when suffering from intense heat,
he said he felt a desire to take off his flesh and sit in his bones awhile
to cool himself.
-Daily Evening Transcript, Boston, May 26, 1853.
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"Sad thing to lose your wife," said a friend to a Vermonter who
stood at the grave of his wife. "Well tolerably sad," replied
the mourner, "but then her clothes just fits my oldest girl."
- Amador Weekly Ledger, Jackson, Calif., Aug 29, 1874.
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The stewardess of the Plymouth Rock tells of a romantic young lady who ventured
out too far at Rockaway Beach and nearly drowned, but fortunately was rescued
and given in her charge. On coming to her senses the young lady declared
she would marry him who had risked his life to save hers.
"Impossible," replied the stewardess.
"What, is he already married?"
"No."
"Wasn't it the handsome young fellow who was bathing near me in the
surf when I became unconscious?"
"No, 'twas a Newfoundland dog."
- Oregon Sentinel, Jacksonville, Ore., Dec 27, 1876.
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"Distance lends enchantment to the view," as the convict said
when he was running from prison.
- Daily Evening Transcript, Boston, May 6, 1840.
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"Ma," said baby at the supper table, "I know why this cake
is called angel cake."
"Do you?" replied the mother without much interest.
"Yes; it's because it's made by an angel. That's what pa told the cook."
- New York Sun.
- The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., July 27, 1887.
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